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"Leave Me A Note"

3:07 p.m. - 2004-06-29

Transition - a dirty word

I am beginning to hate the word ďtransitionĒ. It is something that I feel Iíve been living in for almost 3 years. I do not do well in this state, and constantly seek to find stability and sameness (or saneness).

When I was single, being someone who married later in life, and therefore had many years of living only by the rules I created (basically) I have struggled to redefine me in this new light. I never dated, I socialized only when pushed, or at least nudged, and basically stayed very close to home with few close friends. Out of the 22 years of living on my own (not under my parents roof) I only had roommates for less than 3 of those 22 years. It is safe to say, and I say it with the knowledge that it damns me Ė I was fairly entrenched in MY ways. My life/days were pretty much what I made of them. With the exception of changing jobs here and there, or moving apartments occasionally.

Then, in walked T. Thereís nothing that shakes a life up more than to start dating, courting, socializing exclusively one on one with someone. As stated above, I had not done much of any of this. As T and I grew closer, and eventually knew what fate was leading us to, I desired less and less of the life I had been walking out.

However, my jobs stayed relatively the same and predictable. I still had a semblance of continuity.

Having the flux of T in my life only continued after we were married, but on a totally different level. The introvert in me craved one day of my old life. One day without sharing anything. One day of having the bathroom, kitchen, living room, and bedroom to myself. One day where I didnít have to make a decision or consult anyone else. Hence, the struggles of the first year of marriage.

However, my jobs stayed relatively the same and predictable. I still had a semblance of continuity.

T and I are fast approaching our second anniversary, and we have both become accustomed to this new state of oneness (for the most part).

However, now my jobs(s) are far from predictable, and there is little semblance continuity. This week marks my 4th week of having come on full time at the church. But it is only just this week that Iíve had a glimpse of what my job will be morphing into. I find myself unable to get my head into my tasks, the new tasks. What I know of them.

Itís all in a grand Ďtransitioní, as is the rest of the church at this time. I am only a minor player in the big picture of transition and change.

I am tired, exhausted, bone-weary, bushed, spent, wasted, and played out. I want off this rollercoaster and I want to take my toys and go home. Is this too much to ask?

Donít get me wrong, life is very good, but it is also very full. I do not do well in this state, and constantly seek to find stability and sameness (or saneness).

LJ

This was before - This is now




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