3:59 p.m. - 2006-09-05
My emotions, feelings, and thoughts are all over the place. I feel like I donít know how to grieve right. Some psychotic part of me thinks that I should be able to have one huge, big, blow-out cry and be done with it. But it just doesnít work that way. I know, I know Ö to grieve the loss of a parent takes time.
One of the harder parts for me this go round (my father passed in 2000) is that I canít rush to be with family and begin/continue the grieving process. When my dad died, I was at my momís house in less than 24 hours of hearing the news. (They lived in Alberta, and I was/am out here on the west coast of British Columbia) This time, due to a variety of reasons the memorials (there will be 2) arenít being held for two weeks from now. I want to be with my family, and I want it now! But I must wait, and thatís ok.
I find that Iíll go on a bit and do fine. And then a memory, or thought, or seeing a picture with her in it, or even just having someone come over to me to give me there condolences and a hug and Iím all set off again. Sometimes Ė the complete opposite and I feel like Iím just cruising through life.
I had a phone call from my brother this afternoon, and we were talking about some things that are in place, and/or going to be done. As a last minute Ďoh by the wayí he says Ö ďOh, and Iíve taken off all the jewellery mom had on when she passed and itís all yourís.Ē And I was rushed with a flood of emotion (just like I am now as I write this). Itís just not right Ė she should be alive and wearing her jewellery. Well Ö maybe not the glow-in-the-dark mood ring Ė thatís just silly, but everything else! Iím not old enough to wear it yet. Iím not old enough to lose my Mother.
I know that I will be processing all of this for a while yet. So just like you bared with me through my ďStray Cat Stinky PeteĒ phase, youíll bare with me through this.
To leave this on a lighter note Ė there one sure thing you learn about when you post about the loss of a loved one Ö and that is that you find out who your readers are Ė all 2 of you.
No really, I do want to extend and tremendous heartfelt thank you to all who sent me kind condolence notes. I truly cannot explain how special you are to me.