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"Leave Me A Note"

11:51 a.m. - 2006-06-21

Dreading the night

Iíve had a difficult time of falling to sleep at night lately. Well past the midnight hour I gaze dispassionately at my clock wondering if slumber will come. And yet Ö in the time between sliding between the sheets and sliding into my night-time dreamscape I have the most amazing entries being written in my head, but I darenít turn on the lights and write them down for fear of losing that moment that sleep might overtake me.

Last night I should have got up from the bed and walked down the hall to my spare room to dump the thoughts and ideas from my head. I find that the longer I stay awake, the more the negative thoughts circle and steal away any relaxation I may have accumulated to gain an earlier and more restful sleep. When my husband finally came to bed I was fit to be tied, and yet I couldnít explain my unhappiness, frustration, and discontent. When I get like that he doesnít know what to do with me. Frankly Ė I donít have any answers for him either. There is no way to console me.

Even today I think back on the thoughts that I was having last night and can see no reason for the doubts and negative back talk. Nor can I remember a single entry idea that felt like a brilliant flashbulb of light and creativity. Although I do recall thinking that maybe it was time to take a break from blogging. (Please donít comment about that remark) I donít really like what Iíve been writing here lately - forced, uncreative or completely inane. I think back to my early entries and I like what I wrote. I feel I showed wit and comic relieve, but not now. Is that a sign of an evolution in me? Donít even get me started on my feelings that there is no one (except a faithful few) who deign to visit here Ė so why do I write?

I can feel my discontent rising even as I write. I should stop now before I say things I will regret and end up deleting the entire attempt.

This is just a season. This too shall pass.

This was before - This is now

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