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4:51 p.m. - 2005-07-11

One for the road

A week ago today, we’d risen at the crack of 5am, out of the house by 6am, caught the first ferry at 7am and crash-dove through early morning Vancouver traffic at 9:15. What a start to a pseudo holiday week!

Neither my husband nor I are very friendly people first thing in the morning (he would never admit to this, but I will on his behalf). And especially not between the hours of 5am and 7am, these are the hours when any a minimum of buttons can be pushed for maximum negative reaction. At least let me get one good shower, one good cup of coffee, and a sit down in before you expect wonderful flowing conversation from me. This is one of the reasons that I like to arrive early for work in the mornings. I’m protecting my fellow co-workers.

Once on the road and travelling fast we gathered excitement and steam for the journey, and visit ahead. As stated before we left the house around 6am – we pulled into my mom’s house in Alberta at 12:30 that night. My wonderful, tenacious, perseverant hubby drove the entire way. One long day for two tired folk, and my mom stayed up to meet us. Balmy woman!

The trip itself was rather uneventful. We didn’t talk a whole bunch, but at points I would get a little sassy from boredom and sing silly ditties, or point out superfluous nonsensical facts that I made up on the fly - anything to keep T awake and if possibly smiling.

There were two little incidents that need sharing. . . .

We believe that there are two restaurant restrooms that we have individually been banned for life from.

The first is at a diner in Golden. We pulled in around 7 o’clock in the evening. I was good and punch drunk by then, and more than ready for a change in pace from driving, sitting, eating, sitting, driving . . .

I digress ….. Just before the waitress came to take our orders I decided to skip lightly to the ladies. As always I avoid the ‘handicap’ stall will all politeness. This handicap stall was huge!!! I could have lived in there, except for the smell. But dutifully I enter the only other stall and … prepare …. However, once in and closing the door behind me I quickly realized the lack of working room. To put it in other terms – if I’d been a man I would barely have been able to stand in front of the toilet to pee. And being someone who NEVER sits on public toilet seats I had a grave situation on my hands.

So there I was, delicately balancing – pants down, elbows on knees, and head firmly planted against the door to maintain said balance. I delicately tried to manoeuvre around and grab some TP when I notice that the end of the TP holder was unlatched. Thereby creating an even more precarious posture as I try to pull off a few squares without having the brand new roll come off the holder.

I failed …..

And the roll subsequently fell off the holder bounced off my leg and directly into the already ‘filled’ toilet bowl.

What to do next? Do I quickly complete my business? Do I rescue the now completely soaked roll? Do I sit down in resignation, and collect my thought?

I don’t remember which order I finalized this situation, but I managed not to sit down on a very public toilet. I pulled up and rearranged my cloths, rescued the sullied roll of TP, threw it out, and quickly evacuated the room before anyone should come in and catch me in the act.

I hastened my pace back to T and sat down. I retold the events to him, and we both laughed – vowing never to return to this little diner in Golden.

The second incident of the evening involves a Tim Horton’s (a doughnut joint) in Cochrane, a urinal, my husband, and a very physical sneeze. You can see where I’m going with this one – so I won’t . . . Let’s just say – the word is out and the Mugwhump’s, both big and small, are not allowed within peeing distance of any form of public bathroom from the West Coast to Calgary!

More tomorrow. I got a funny one about my mom and ordering some soup for dinner!!!

P.S. I didn’t edit myself a lot here. Please give much grace.

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