9:59 a.m. - 2005-05-26

Unpacking my thoughts

I�ve been hesitant to write about the true reason behind my OBGYN visit last week. It�s rather personal, but I also need a place to talk about it. My husband, as wonderful as he is, doesn�t understand my feeling, but then again � that�s part of my problem � I don�t understand my feelings either.

You see, it has been discovered that I have two large fibroids making themselves at home in my uterus. They are of no danger to my (long term) health, but do have some bothersome symptoms, although not bothersome enough to alter my quality of life. The most apparent problem regarding them is that I am unable to get pregnant. One fibroid is 7.5x7x3.5 centimetres (or for you non metric readers � 3x2 � x1 � inches), and the second one is approximately 3.5 (or 1 � inches) round. Thereby completely blocking all attempts of sperm meeting up with egg.

I was at the OBGYN�s last week to discuss the possibility of removing them. The doctor (the one without a funny bone that I alluded to two entries ago) tells me that at my age (ripe old 43) children are probably not in the picture anyway, and that �IF� I were to proceed with surgery given the size of the fibroids I would probably be facing a complete hysterectomy. Very serious surgery, and he was against me doing something so drastic.

What perplexes me the most is my ambivalence. I am neither terribly saddened, nor over the moon happy at being unable to have a child of my own. Is this normal? Shouldn�t I be feeling something regarding the news? Isn�t it completely natural for women to want to have a child of their own?

When I brought the diagnoses news from the specialists visit home to my husband he was momentarily struck dumb. I was surprised with his reaction because it has never been a topic that we�ve ever discussed in depth. He was visibly shaken with the news. Which is totally contrary to his previous actions, but I won�t go into that now. (I believe he has since come to better terms with our circumstances and is now open to the possibility of adoption. This is a good thing.)

I, however, am still working out how I feel. I don�t know how I feel, and for some reason I think I must come to some defined sense of loss or gratitude. But I am not arriving. Quite possibly � what I am feeling is a peace, but I�m trying to confuse it with the �shoulds� that we go through in life. I am woman � I should give birth. I am human � I should procreate. This is my body � and it should perform all tasks that are pre-assigned.

Oh, I think Freud would have a hay-day with this one. Am I crazy � or am I normal?

Confused - LJ