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9:10 a.m. - 2005-02-10

The fear of the dark

Yesterday I was reading Chins Upís entry. It stuck with me through the day, and again this morning. I am not a Ďmorning personí per se. As in I am NOT a perky, bubbly, raring-to-go, early morning person. No, Iím more of aĖup early, to work 30 minutes early, must have the first-few-hours-of-the-day-all-to-myself kind of person. I absolutely LOVE having the office to myself, before the hectic ness of the phones and people begin.

It is in the hours of 6:30am to 9:30am that I feel I can tackle my day. I think freer, clearer, and deeper than any other times of the day.

But itís at night, when I go to bed, kiss my husband good-night, and turn out the lights that I can no longer fight off the nagging, worrisome thoughts that want to tear me down. It is in those times that I am most vulnerable to mental failure. These are the times that I beat myself up, worry about my marriage, second-guess my work related decisions, and often cry myself silently to sleep.

What is it about that dark that brings that out in me? I swear Iím just as tired first thing in the morning as I am last thing at night. So it canít be the dayís exhaustion creeping over me. The tenor of my prayers in the morning is from humbleness and a strong foundation. Only to be crushed down to prayers of fear and frustration a mere thirteen or so hours later.

I donít have the answers to this. I know that God knows I struggle with this, and I am comforted with the knowledge. I know that He knows those inner most fears that haunt the dark hours. That is probably the seat of my faith. I must nightly pray that God will enfold me in His loving, gracious, forgiving, merciful embrace, and rest in that knowledge of His love.

This was before - This is now

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