6:40 p.m. - 2004-08-29
Trust and other inequalities
It�s been a casual but relatively sleepless weekend. Not sure �why� sleepless, or rather what�s behind the sleeplessness. In any fact � I don�t like it one bit. Quite possibly I think too deeply sometimes. Which often gets me into trouble.
Thank you to those who submitted your thoughts on �commenting�. I have since come to realize that I really didn�t do anything outside of basic �comment ethics�. The experience really made me stop and question my motives and feelings. Which brings up another topic I�d like to explore. Somewhat related, and yet � not.
Trust
In my many long years of bouncing around on this earth I have come to the consensus that trust levels are different for everyone, and come out of a variety of personal experiences. From my own personal golden rule � I trust very few with my heart. That is, for me, a sad statement. However, I recognize where this rule stems from and why (and I work on it daily).
Now, I�m not going to go into a �woe is me� story about my childhood, but that is the basis of my gauging of trust in people. And for the most part I believe that is where most people learn about trust, trust issues, and in turn strength of or lack of trust.
This is where I can pull in my previous entry�s story. Why do I put more trust in people via my diary than I do in real life? Keeping in mind I do not write extensively about personal topics. You will not hear a blow by blow description of a deep personal discussion between T and I. I will rarely truly tell you how I really feel on a personal issue, but I do share some things that I feel I can trust you with. Which is funny, with the exception of one of you � I have never met anyone you. I would not recognize you if we walked past each other on the street. Does that give me strength to trust, or a naivete? Hmmmm �.
As a professed Christian I am called to trust my God in ALL things. Do I? I certainly try, but struggle often. Why is this? He brought to pass the experiences that made me into the woman I am today. He knows the issues I battle time and time again. He is faithful to me when I doubt His movement in an issue, and yet � I trust my God more than any living thing. I can easily say I trust God more than I trust my husband (and before you go all �oh my!� on me � my husband knows and loves me more because of my trust in God over him), and I trust my husband more than any human.
My husband swears he�d take am arrow for me. Even when there are days when I feel like I�d be the one holding the bow. But seriously, where does T�s trust in me come from? What is it about love/marriage/committed relationships, that brings that out in someone?
We women trust more quickly then men. In fact, I�d go so far as to say we rely on the trust of our girlfriends to carry us through. We will tell (close) friends about deep personal stuff. Do men? No, I don�t think so. But I�m willing to stand corrected to any man who wishes to comment on that observation.
Does that stem from trust? Or does it stem from women�s needs to talk?
I can see that I�m all over the map today, so I think it�s time for me to draw this to a close. I�m beginning to feel that I write like John Grisham (Pelican Brief, The Client, The Testament to name a few). I firmly believe he can�t end a book properly either. Yet, I keep coming back for more.
On that note � Cheers - LJ
