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"Leave Me A Note"

3:12 p.m. - 2004-07-20

Life is not always Yellow!

My life feels betwixed and between right now. My soul is tired, and I can find no respite. Everything seems to frustrate me. Everything depresses me. I can find little to no joy in my day-to-day routines. This is not the life that God has planned, but I can�t get on track. I do recognize this as a temporary thing, but it�s tiring none-the-less.

Each weekday morning I sit, at home before work, and read my bible, pray and meditate on my day. This has been a vital part of my Christian walk for many, many years. Almost two years ago I started the practice of writing in a prayer journal � my thoughts on the scripture I�ve covered, my prayer list, or random things I feel the need to lay down before God (and try not to carry into my day � not easy for me). Often I�ve looked over past entries and I so plainly see where I�ve been spiritually. Sometimes these are not easy things to read, sometimes I can laugh at my short sightedness.

This mornings writings went like this: �Micah ( a book within the Bible) is not hitting were I�m at this week. I�m probably missing the point. I know that Micah is about holiness in an unholy world. Sometimes I look at that stuff and I know I fall terribly short of the mark. AND in the same breath have no sense that if I even tried to hit the mark I�d even come close.

Is it the enemy (my allowing the enemy) clouding my judgement? Am I not trying because to not try seems easier than trying?

Life feels very overwhelming these days. It feels heavy and unmanageable. I�m tired to the bone. Which historically means I�m not relying on God, but I don�t feel God �in� my specific situation(s). I know He�s there � �Jesus is in the House�.

But it�s almost like we�re all at a big party, and I�m a wallflower on the absolute edges of the room. Everyone else is singing, and dancing, and having a great time. But I�m cemented into a spot in the corner and can only observe.

I�m so tired I don�t know or feel like I can be of use to anyone, and yet everyone seem to want a piece of me.

I�m sure the key to this �unrest� is within reach. I just can�t grasp it. �Lord, what am I doing wrong? Why am I in the desert? How can I re-connect with You? How can I become a useful part of Your family again? Grant me wisdom to see. Please Lord.� �

So you see D-land � my life is not all Spongebob yellow and bright. One of the things I have struggled with this diary is � how honest can I really be here? I have no idea who really reads this stuff. Does anyone really care? Is this a safe place to bear my soul? For me, this site needs to be safe. I need to have a place to speak out without fear of condemnation or pity, but I just don�t trust the world enough.

This is not to say I have had any bad experiences here � the opposite is true. In fact I have been introduced to some amazing people. Several of which live right here in my own town, and all of whom I hope to meet in person some day (or meet up with again). I have never been so encouraged or challenged as I have over the time I�ve been on D-land. Some excellent writing happens here (not by me), and has been an amazing source of enjoyment.

(So much for a short entry) I�m just putting my heart on the line here, I�ll be back to write about Spongebob soon. Maybe I�ll even tell you about the new items I have now . . . .

Cheers - LJ

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