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"Leave Me A Note"

3:12 p.m. - 2004-07-20

Life is not always Yellow!

My life feels betwixed and between right now. My soul is tired, and I can find no respite. Everything seems to frustrate me. Everything depresses me. I can find little to no joy in my day-to-day routines. This is not the life that God has planned, but I canít get on track. I do recognize this as a temporary thing, but itís tiring none-the-less.

Each weekday morning I sit, at home before work, and read my bible, pray and meditate on my day. This has been a vital part of my Christian walk for many, many years. Almost two years ago I started the practice of writing in a prayer journal Ė my thoughts on the scripture Iíve covered, my prayer list, or random things I feel the need to lay down before God (and try not to carry into my day Ė not easy for me). Often Iíve looked over past entries and I so plainly see where Iíve been spiritually. Sometimes these are not easy things to read, sometimes I can laugh at my short sightedness.

This mornings writings went like this: ďMicah ( a book within the Bible) is not hitting were Iím at this week. Iím probably missing the point. I know that Micah is about holiness in an unholy world. Sometimes I look at that stuff and I know I fall terribly short of the mark. AND in the same breath have no sense that if I even tried to hit the mark Iíd even come close.

Is it the enemy (my allowing the enemy) clouding my judgement? Am I not trying because to not try seems easier than trying?

Life feels very overwhelming these days. It feels heavy and unmanageable. Iím tired to the bone. Which historically means Iím not relying on God, but I donít feel God ďinĒ my specific situation(s). I know Heís there Ė ďJesus is in the HouseĒ.

But itís almost like weíre all at a big party, and Iím a wallflower on the absolute edges of the room. Everyone else is singing, and dancing, and having a great time. But Iím cemented into a spot in the corner and can only observe.

Iím so tired I donít know or feel like I can be of use to anyone, and yet everyone seem to want a piece of me.

Iím sure the key to this ďunrestĒ is within reach. I just canít grasp it. ĎLord, what am I doing wrong? Why am I in the desert? How can I re-connect with You? How can I become a useful part of Your family again? Grant me wisdom to see. Please Lord.í ď

So you see D-land Ė my life is not all Spongebob yellow and bright. One of the things I have struggled with this diary is Ė how honest can I really be here? I have no idea who really reads this stuff. Does anyone really care? Is this a safe place to bear my soul? For me, this site needs to be safe. I need to have a place to speak out without fear of condemnation or pity, but I just donít trust the world enough.

This is not to say I have had any bad experiences here Ė the opposite is true. In fact I have been introduced to some amazing people. Several of which live right here in my own town, and all of whom I hope to meet in person some day (or meet up with again). I have never been so encouraged or challenged as I have over the time Iíve been on D-land. Some excellent writing happens here (not by me), and has been an amazing source of enjoyment.

(So much for a short entry) Iím just putting my heart on the line here, Iíll be back to write about Spongebob soon. Maybe Iíll even tell you about the new items I have now . . . .

Cheers - LJ

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