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"Leave Me A Note"

8:52 a.m. - 2004-04-22

Technicolour Dream Coat

I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I just can't seem to fall asleep anymore. Ever since I got married really (a year and a half ago), but most definitely this last week. Like I mentioned a couple of entries ago - the lights go out, the brain turns on. A long time ago I was introduced to the wonders of Gravol, and not for its tummy soothing travel sickness relieving abilities. No - I take gravol to help me sleep. It helps me find that edge between lying awake and passing out easier, and with limited grogginess in the morning.

The darn things aren't working anymore and I'm turning into an insomniac. To boot - I'm having the weirdest dreams when I do fall into slumberland. Also, as stated in previous entries, I'm a technicolour dream coat girl. Is it live or is it Memorex?

I digress - - My dreams lately follow along two lines. The most prevalent is that I'm in a familiar city or town, which I would normally know like the back of my hand, and I'm lost. Just when I think I'm heading in the right direction I find myself back where I started. Sometimes I'm with a group of people, sometimes I'm not. If I'm with a group of people - they get fed up with my lack of local geographical knowledge and leave me. As for me - I usually get so frustrated myself that I start to yell at people but no words come out of my mouth. This is the second most common shapings in my dream.

In my dream this morning I and hubby were living in an apartment (in a high-rise, something we will NEVER do) that was flooding. Someone knocked on our door and I answered it. For some reason I still had a Christmas decoration hanging on our door. The man at the door was yelling at me to get my decorations down and yanked the decoration off my door. In a fit of "fight the authority" I grabbed the decoration back (it was a wooden angel painted white that my mom gave me for Christmas several years ago) and I started yelling back, to the pointed that my voice was so high pitched it could only be heard by dogs in neighbouring villages.

There was some more action in this little vignette, but I won't recount it all. I woke up still feeling frustrated and angry, and it usually takes me a good part of my wake up time to figure out that none of the aforementioned dream really happened, but the feeling stay and haunt me.

I'm not into self diagnoses, but I'm pretty sure this is all related to how I'm feeling about life these days. Helpless, hopeless, and frustrated - only no-one will listen, or can help. In the daylight I can keep a cool head, and stay positive. At night - all bets are off.

I don't quite understand what God is doing in my life, but feel that He's definitely at work. When I truly can't sleep I sit in the living room, listen to T snoring away (yes I can hear him from another room), and cry out to God. I know He (God) hears my cry's, but is unwilling to help out right at this moment. It is a lonely feeling. I suppose we all have to experience a desert time or two in our lives - this just maybe mine for now.

Lord God, thank you for hearing my cries, thank you for having a greater plan for me than I can imagine. Please help me to have a vision and clarity into what the root of what my frustration is. Replace my 'helpless hopelessnes' with your love, joy, and peace. Amen.

Now People - on a totally different tone and note - I'm still looking for ideas for my husbands 40th birthday next month. What can I do to show him I love him and want to embrace with him this new decade? Having already turned 40 (a couple of years ago) I know that this is going to be a great decade. T however, sees it completely differently and is approaching it with great trepidation. He is still convinced he's only 19 going on 20. He is a quiet man who likes to live out life quietly and behind the scenes. No big hurrah for him, in fact, I've been banned from planning anything that involves more people than he and I. Hence - my dilema. Any insights - anyone? Anyone?? Is anyone out there?

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