4:40 p.m. - 2004-04-09

Spring showers bring May flowers

I want so desperately to write today, but nothing comes to my mind. I've erased, several times, a couple of different lines of thinking, but each time what I've written seems so lame. Today is Good Friday (a holiday) and I think my brain has gone on hiatus. I hope it comes back soon because I miss it.

I stood in the shower this morning and wept. I realized that my shower feels like the safest place in the world to cry. There is no telling of the depth of sadness because no sooner does a tear hit my cheek then it is washed off my skin and rolls down the drain. I cried over learning to let go. Letting go of expectations, of dreams, of what I thought life should be like. Don't get me wrong, my life is good. It just seems that when I least anticipate it, unexpected expectations rear up and bite me. And I never know quite what to do with them.

God is constantly telling me to trust Him. That He is the one true source of my hopes and dreams, but my foolish human heart sometimes thinks it knows the Father's heart when it doesn't. When this occurs, and I'm not on base, I get hurt. Then I stand in the shower and weep away my sadness.