3:59 p.m. - 2006-09-05

Coming to terms ... of indearment

I’ve been wanting to write for days, but haven’t know how to start. Typical! Although generally I haven’t a clue how to finish my entries at the best of times. LOL!

My emotions, feelings, and thoughts are all over the place. I feel like I don’t know how to grieve right. Some psychotic part of me thinks that I should be able to have one huge, big, blow-out cry and be done with it. But it just doesn’t work that way. I know, I know … to grieve the loss of a parent takes time.

One of the harder parts for me this go round (my father passed in 2000) is that I can’t rush to be with family and begin/continue the grieving process. When my dad died, I was at my mom’s house in less than 24 hours of hearing the news. (They lived in Alberta, and I was/am out here on the west coast of British Columbia) This time, due to a variety of reasons the memorials (there will be 2) aren’t being held for two weeks from now. I want to be with my family, and I want it now! But I must wait, and that’s ok.

I find that I’ll go on a bit and do fine. And then a memory, or thought, or seeing a picture with her in it, or even just having someone come over to me to give me there condolences and a hug and I’m all set off again. Sometimes – the complete opposite and I feel like I’m just cruising through life.

I had a phone call from my brother this afternoon, and we were talking about some things that are in place, and/or going to be done. As a last minute ‘oh by the way’ he says … “Oh, and I’ve taken off all the jewellery mom had on when she passed and it’s all your’s.” And I was rushed with a flood of emotion (just like I am now as I write this). It’s just not right – she should be alive and wearing her jewellery. Well … maybe not the glow-in-the-dark mood ring – that’s just silly, but everything else! I’m not old enough to wear it yet. I’m not old enough to lose my Mother.

I know that I will be processing all of this for a while yet. So just like you bared with me through my “Stray Cat Stinky Pete” phase, you’ll bare with me through this.

To leave this on a lighter note – there one sure thing you learn about when you post about the loss of a loved one … and that is that you find out who your readers are – all 2 of you.

No really, I do want to extend and tremendous heartfelt thank you to all who sent me kind condolence notes. I truly cannot explain how special you are to me.

God Bless,
LJ