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"Leave Me A Note"

6:40 p.m. - 2004-08-29

Trust and other inequalities

It’s been a casual but relatively sleepless weekend. Not sure “why” sleepless, or rather what’s behind the sleeplessness. In any fact – I don’t like it one bit. Quite possibly I think too deeply sometimes. Which often gets me into trouble.

Thank you to those who submitted your thoughts on ‘commenting’. I have since come to realize that I really didn’t do anything outside of basic ‘comment ethics’. The experience really made me stop and question my motives and feelings. Which brings up another topic I’d like to explore. Somewhat related, and yet … not.

Trust

In my many long years of bouncing around on this earth I have come to the consensus that trust levels are different for everyone, and come out of a variety of personal experiences. From my own personal golden rule – I trust very few with my heart. That is, for me, a sad statement. However, I recognize where this rule stems from and why (and I work on it daily).

Now, I’m not going to go into a ‘woe is me’ story about my childhood, but that is the basis of my gauging of trust in people. And for the most part I believe that is where most people learn about trust, trust issues, and in turn strength of or lack of trust.

This is where I can pull in my previous entry’s story. Why do I put more trust in people via my diary than I do in real life? Keeping in mind I do not write extensively about personal topics. You will not hear a blow by blow description of a deep personal discussion between T and I. I will rarely truly tell you how I really feel on a personal issue, but I do share some things that I feel I can trust you with. Which is funny, with the exception of one of you – I have never met anyone you. I would not recognize you if we walked past each other on the street. Does that give me strength to trust, or a naivete? Hmmmm ….

As a professed Christian I am called to trust my God in ALL things. Do I? I certainly try, but struggle often. Why is this? He brought to pass the experiences that made me into the woman I am today. He knows the issues I battle time and time again. He is faithful to me when I doubt His movement in an issue, and yet – I trust my God more than any living thing. I can easily say I trust God more than I trust my husband (and before you go all “oh my!” on me – my husband knows and loves me more because of my trust in God over him), and I trust my husband more than any human.

My husband swears he’d take am arrow for me. Even when there are days when I feel like I’d be the one holding the bow. But seriously, where does T’s trust in me come from? What is it about love/marriage/committed relationships, that brings that out in someone?

We women trust more quickly then men. In fact, I’d go so far as to say we rely on the trust of our girlfriends to carry us through. We will tell (close) friends about deep personal stuff. Do men? No, I don’t think so. But I’m willing to stand corrected to any man who wishes to comment on that observation.

Does that stem from trust? Or does it stem from women’s needs to talk?

I can see that I’m all over the map today, so I think it’s time for me to draw this to a close. I’m beginning to feel that I write like John Grisham (Pelican Brief, The Client, The Testament to name a few). I firmly believe he can’t end a book properly either. Yet, I keep coming back for more.

On that note – Cheers - LJ

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